Who are you? Who are your children? Truly? Have you ever found yourself loving your children a bit conditionally? Do you withhold your affection when your children are not behaving in the way you desire? Do you ever feel like YOU are not enough and unconsciously try to prove you are enough? That you are worth including? That you are worth loving?
In our culture, there is an untruth that often lives deep in our psyche. It is the lie that we are not enough and our children are not enough and we must do more and be more to be enough and to prove our worth. We judge ourselves and beat ourselves up. We shame ourselves and think that is somehow going to change us. We try the same “technique” on our children and seek to control their behavior, so we can be validated through our children’s actions that follow the cultural expectations. This is akin to trying to climb a mountain with a backpack of rocks on our back. It is so heavy and stifling, weighs us down, slows our progression, and exhausts us. We are seeking to earn our worth and God’s love which doesn’t equate. It is like trying to make 2 + 3 = 9, yet no matter how much effort we put in, it doesn’t work.
When I remember my worth is non-negotiable and no matter what I do or don’t do DOES NOT change that, it lifts that burden of needing to prove something that is already an immutable divine law. God’s entire plan is set up for us to make a huge mess out of things. Heavenly Father expects us to “fail.” Yet, incredibly, this plan is perfect. Because of the Savior Jesus Christ, the plan enables us to practice and grow through these missteps and actually be better for it! Instead of taking this learning journey of life all in stride, we invite in the drama, pile on shame, and beat ourselves up believing the lie that somehow that will get us to change and be enough. Sometimes we feel embarrassed that we have messed up and need His help, so rather than turn to Him, we hide in our shame and continue to carry a miserable burden that is not helping us grow stronger, but just holding us back and making us despondent. We complicate our lives to the extreme and completely unnecessarily. God asks for a broken heart and a contrite Spirit. When we come to Him in this way, we are OPEN, and he can fill us up. When we feel His love, there is nothing like it. It is the greatest joy there is, and that love transforms us and changes us and inspires us to do everything to run to Him. We remember who we are and who we belong to and that hope and love inspire the courage to truly change.
How does this apply to teaching our children? When they mess up, do we think something has gone wrong, or do we see that things are EXACTLY AS THEY SHOULD BE? Do we pile on the shame and seek to coerce them into making different choices? Or, do we love them unconditionally, encourage them, and recognize light-heartedly that this is all part of their earthly sojourn? Sometimes we actually convince ourselves that criticism and a lecture are the best antidote to their “foolish” ways. How absurd is this? How in the world is that supposed to inspire confidence, let alone lasting change?
What if instead, we saw all of this as, not a personal insult to our parenting, but as the natural way of it, the path that offers our children (and us) every opportunity to see the results of our actions up close and personal? What if instead of thinking something has gone horribly wrong, we just accept it as everything really is EXACTLY AS IT SHOULD BE? What if laughed more at ourselves and our children? What if we gave ourselves AND our children grace and understanding, compassion, and unconditional love?
Instead of our children trying to hide their mess-ups from us, they would openly share them, so we could have a good laugh (or cry) together, dust ourselves off, and get up and go. Instead of there being a great divide created, there would be a great connection. Being wrapped and encircled in the arms of Divine Love is the most beautiful healing space to be in. We are cherished and upheld because we are His. What if we implemented this same approach with our children?
Unconditional love creates a safe and nurturing environment where mistakes are seen as opportunities for growth rather than failure. This unconditional love supports confidence, security, and curiosity allowing the child to explore new ideas and challenges without fear. In this loving atmosphere, a child is motivated to reach their highest potential, knowing that their worth is not tied to their performance but to their inherent value as a person. This transformative power of love is the perfect environment for a child to thrive.