Seek First to Understand

One of Stephen Covey’s most powerful habits is simple to say and hard to live:

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

At Christmas—when emotions, expectations, and schedules are all dialed up—this habit becomes a beautiful way to make your Christ-centered homeschooling feel more like the manger and less like the mall. And underneath all of it, there’s something powerful happening in our nervous systems: feeling understood literally helps our brains and bodies calm down.

Instead of trying to control everyone’s mood, we can slow down, listen like Jesus Christ did, and create a softer, safer place for our families to land—on the inside as well as the outside.

What It Really Means 

Most of us (especially as busy homeschool moms) slip into this pattern:

• We explain
• We correct
• We try to fix
• Then we might listen…a little

Covey’s habit flips the order:

Seek first to understand means:

• I slow down before reacting.
• I listen to what you say and how you feel.
• I try to understand your heart before I try to teach or correct.
  

Then to be understood means:

• Once you feel seen and safe, then I share my needs, limits, and perspective clearly and kindly.
• I still lead, I still set boundaries—I just don’t go first.
  

It doesn’t mean:

• Letting kids run the show
• Agreeing with everything
• Swallowing your feelings

It does mean:

• Creating a calm, safe emotional space first
• Speaking truth in love instead of in panic or resentment

And here’s the nervous system piece:
When someone feels seen and safe, their nervous system shifts out of survival mode (fight, flight, or freeze) and into connection mode. That’s where learning, problem-solving, and spiritual sensitivity actually work best.

How This Habit Supports the Nervous System

Think about what happens inside you when you don’t feel understood:

• Your muscles tighten.
• Your chest or throat feels tight.
• Your thoughts race (“They don’t get me. I’m alone in this.”).

That’s your nervous system saying, “Something’s not safe here.”

Now think about what happens when someone really listens:

• You breathe a little deeper.
• Your shoulders drop.
• You feel less defensive and more open.

That’s your nervous system saying, “Oh… I’m okay. I’m not alone.”

For our kids (and spouses!), being understood is regulating.
It helps their brains shift from:

• Threat mode → “I have to defend, shut down, or explode.”
  to
• Safety mode → “I can think, feel, and problem-solve.”

So “seek first to understand” isn’t just a communication tip.
It’s a nervous system gift.

“Listening” With Our Own Agenda

Covey calls it autobiographical listening—hearing everything through our own story. At Christmas, that might sound like:

• “You’re being ungrateful after all I’ve done.”
• “It’s not that big a deal, just be happy and enjoy it.”
• “When I was your age, we didn’t complain about gifts/events/Grandma’s house.”

We believe we’re helping to instill or teach gratitude.
But their nervous system hears: “It’s not safe to be honest here.”

And when it doesn’t feel safe:

• Kids may fight (argue, yell, push back)
• Flee (run off, hide in their room, shut down into screens)
• Or freeze (go silent, numb, disconnected)

Seek first to understand is how we send the opposite message:

“It’s safe to be you here. Your feelings are not too much for me.”

That safety is what helps homes become places of real peace, not just quiet tension.

A Simple 4-Step Pattern You Can Use (Even When You’re Tired)

Think of this as your Christmas communication + nervous system cheat sheet.
You can use it with kids, teens, your spouse, or extended family.

1. Listen

Take a slow breath. Relax your jaw and shoulders (that’s you regulating your nervous system first).

Then:

• Put down the wrapping paper or phone.
• Turn toward them.
• Let them talk without interrupting.

Try:

• “Tell me what’s going on.”
• “I really want to understand. Start from the beginning.”
  

Just your calm, present attention starts to signal safety to their nervous system.

2. Reflect Back

Say back what you heard and how they feel:

• “So you felt embarrassed when that happened at the party.”
• “You’re disappointed because you really hoped for that gift.”
• “You’re overwhelmed with all the noise and people.”

You’re not evaluating. You’re simply saying:

“I see you. You make sense.”

That “being seen” moment is often the exact point where the nervous system begins to settle. You may literally see them breathe differently, soften, or relax.

3. Validate

Let their feelings be understandable, even if you don’t agree with their behavior or conclusions.

• “That makes sense, you’d feel that way.”
• “Anyone in your shoes would be upset.”
• “Of course you’re tired—this week has been a lot.”

Validation doesn’t mean:

• “You’re right, and I’m wrong.”

It means:

• “You’re not crazy for feeling this.”

Validation helps the body move from:

• Threat: “I have to defend myself.”
  to
• Safety: “I can be honest here.”

Safety is what makes learning and spiritual impressions possible. It’s where Joyful Homeschool living actually grows.

4. Then Share Your Side

Once they feel heard and their nervous system has settled a bit, then you can gently share your part:

• “Can I tell you what I’m thinking, too?”
• “Okay, I understand you better now. Here’s what I’m feeling as your mom…”

Here is where you can:

• Set limits (“We are still going to the family gathering.”)
• Give guidance (“We need to find a kinder way to handle disappointment.”)
• Teach principles (“Gratitude doesn’t erase sadness; we can bring both to Jesus Christ.”)

Because their body feels safer, their brain can finally take in what you’re saying.
Your words have somewhere to land.

When we seek first to understand, we’re practicing a small piece of how Jesus Christ loves:

• He saw the heart behind the behavior.
• He met people in their pain before inviting them to change.
• He understood the story before giving the teaching.

Spiritually, He offers us safety and understanding first.
We can come as we are, not as we “should be.”

As LDS homeschool moms, we often want Christmas to be about Him—but we can accidentally make it about:

• perfect behavior,
• perfect attitudes,
• and everyone managing their emotions flawlessly.

This year, what if part of your Christ-centered homeschooling Christmas tradition is:

“In this home, it’s safe to be human. We slow down, listen, and try to understand each other’s hearts and nervous systems first—just like He does with us.”

A Simple Christmas + Nervous System Challenge

Between now and New Year’s, choose one person you’ll consciously practice this with—a child, teen, spouse, or even an in-law.

In your next meaningful conversation:

1. Regulate yourself first.
   Take a slow breath. Relax your shoulders. Invite the Spirit.
2. Let them talk without interrupting.
3. Reflect back what you heard and how they feel.
4. Ask: “Did I get that right?”
5. Only then, share your perspective or boundary.

Tiny, ordinary moments like this are where nervous systems heal, relationships soften, and homes start to feel more like the stable in Bethlehem—humble, imperfect, but full of love and the presence of Jesus Christ.That’s the heart of a truly Joyful Homeschool Christmas.