You know those moments when you try to “think positive” and five minutes later you’re…snapping at the people you love? Been there. For the longest time I thought I just needed a better mantra, a better plan, a better…something. Then I realized I was trying to out-think feelings I hadn’t actually felt yet. Learning to feel my emotions is not something I ever learned, and once I learned it, it was life changing…
That’s what I mean by unproductive thought work—rushing to reframe while your body is still in a stress wave. The fix is surprisingly simple: feel first, then think.
A real-life 90 seconds
A few days ago, I caught myself thinking about my last child leaving home for his mission, and a wave of sadness and grief rose up fast. My first instinct was to dodge it—clean a counter, check my phone, busy myself. Instead, I placed a hand over my heart, closed my eyes, and breathed slowly. I let the heaviness sit in my chest, noticed the ache behind my eyes, and stayed with it. No pep talk, no fixing. Just kindness. When the wave passed, I felt softer and more grounded.
Why reframing doesn’t land (yet)
A feeling is a vibration in your body created by a thought. When we’re uncomfortable, the brain grabs for “better thoughts” like a fire extinguisher. It looks productive—journaling, planning, pep talks—but often it’s avoidance wearing a productivity hat. Your body’s still in fight/flight, so the new thought can’t stick. Once we feel an emotion, we must process it to move through. This regulates our nervous system so we can then choose thoughts on purpose.
Clean pain vs. dirty pain
Here’s a framing that helps you stop the spiral:
- Clean pain is the honest, present-moment feeling that naturally arises in real life—like grief when a season ends, disappointment when a plan falls through, or anger when a boundary is crossed. It’s the wave itself. When you allow it (breathe, feel, name), it moves through.
- Dirty pain is what piles on top: resistance (“I shouldn’t feel this”), avoidance (buffering with snacks/scrolling), reactivity (snapping/lecturing), or the mental story that keeps the fire burning (“This always happens,” “I’m failing,” “We’re permanently behind”). Dirty pain is optional—and it’s the part that exhausts us.
Translation: Feel the clean pain; drop the dirty pain. Let the wave pass; skip the extra suffering.
Four roads, one destination that works
When discomfort hits, most of us do one of these:
- Resist it. It is like holding a beach ball underwater. Pressure builds (dirty pain).
- Avoid it. You buffer—snack, scroll, or clean.
- React to it. You snap, explain, slam drawers (dirty pain).
- Allow it. You ride the wave on purpose: name, notice, breathe, let it move through (clean pain only).
Allowing is the only road that leads to clarity. The others just loop you back to the same feelings, later, with interest.
A tiny taste of the method
Try this today:
- Name one word for what you feel.
- Find where it lives in your body. Track one sensation.
- Set a 90-second timer. Longer exhale; soften jaw and shoulders.
- Notice urges to escape—phone, lecture, snack—and let them pass.
- Normalize and validate it: “Of course, I feel this way…It makes sense…”
It’s amazing how often the “problem” shrinks once you have processed the emotion.
Why this helps kids (and you)
When you regulate, kids co-regulate. You save time (90 seconds now beats the two-hour spiral later). Your emotions will always come out, but it is so much better to process them in the moment rather than them coming out sideways later on. You can process WHILE you are stirring the dinner, while you are sitting by your child, and as you get ready for the day. As you process, you will notice that your nervous system becomes healthier overall, and you are more able to actively CHOOSE your response because you are in a parasympathetic state more often, and your prefrontal cortex can be accessed.
One last encouragement
You don’t have to be perfectly calm or say the perfect words. You just need 90 seconds of honesty with your body. Feel first, then think. Your homeschool—and your home—will follow your calm.