Have you ever wondered…
Why does one of your kids breeze through schoolwork…
…while another acts like math is a personal attack?
Or maybe you’ve noticed:
“Why can I show up for everyone else—but struggle to finish what I planned?”
You’re not alone.
There’s a reason behind it. And it’s not laziness, selfishness, or bad habits.
It’s about how we each respond to expectations.
Let me introduce you to a powerful tool:
The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin.
It changed how I see myself.
It changed how I see my kids.
And it made homeschooling way more peaceful.
What Are The Four Tendencies?
We all respond to two kinds of expectations:
- Outer expectations – like co-op deadlines or family rules
- Inner expectations – like goals we set for ourselves
Here’s how the four types show up:
Upholder
Follows outer rules and inner goals
“I do what’s expected—by others and by myself.”
Obliger
Meets outer expectations but struggles with inner ones
“I’ll do it… if someone’s counting on me.”
Questioner
Meets inner expectations, but resists outer ones
“If it makes sense to me, I’ll do it.”
Rebel
Resists both outer and inner expectations
“I do what I want, when I want, in my own way.”
Quick Reflection Quiz
Want to find your tendency?
Moms, ask yourself:
- Do I finish homeschool plans even if no one checks in?
- Do I love outside accountability?
- Do I spend forever researching curriculum?
- Do I resist plans, even my own?
Now ask your kids:
- Would they do schoolwork if no one reminded them?
- Is it easier if someone’s watching?
- Do they want to know “why” before starting anything?
- Do they like choosing what to do and when?
Systems That Support YOU (Dear Homeschool Mom)
Knowing your tendency helps you create a system that actually works.
Upholder Moms
Strength: You love structure and follow-through.
Struggle: You get stressed when plans change.
Support Tip: Plan buffer time. Build in flexibility.
System: Use a planner—but give yourself permission to pivot.
Obliger Moms
Strength: You’re reliable and people-centered.
Struggle: You forget your own needs.
Support Tip: Get accountability for your personal goals.
System: Set check-ins with a friend. Join a co-op.
*Note from me: I’m an Obliger. When I feel resentment building, I now know—it’s time to care for me. I used to feel hurt when others didn’t prioritize me… until I realized they don’t see the world like I do.
Questioner Moms
Strength: You’re thoughtful and intentional.
Struggle: Decision fatigue. You want the best option.
Support Tip: Set limits on research.
System: Write your “why” for each subject.
*Note from me: My husband and son are Questioners. At first, I thought they were being selfish. But now I see it: they are authentic and principled. This framework helped me understand, appreciate, and love them better.
Rebel Moms
Strength: You’re creative and independent.
Struggle: You resist even your own plans.
Support Tip: Appeal to your identity.
System: Use flexible rhythms, not rigid schedules.
Say: “I’m the kind of mom who helps her kids love learning.”
*Note from me: I’ve got a son, brother, and a friend who are Rebels. It used to feel like defiance. Now I see it as a strength—they think outside the box and creatively thrive.
Helping Your Kids (Based on Their Tendencies)
Let’s match struggles with strategies:
Needs you next to them for everything → Obliger
Give external accountability:
“Let’s show Dad when you’re done!”
“Let’s record this for Grandma.”
Panics when plans change → Upholder
Tell them early.
Let them keep some control.
“We’re changing this… but here’s what’s staying the same.”
Asks “why” constantly → Questioner
Let them research!
“Why do you think we study history?”
Let them choose some of their own materials.
Avoids school → Rebel
Give choices:
“Math or spelling first?”
Use identity:
“You’re a problem-solver. You figure things out in your own way.”
In Conclusion
Unique Gifts
“To every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.” — D&C 46:11
Even resistance, questioning, or independence can be part of their divine gifts.
Understanding Leads to Love
“Seek to understand, then to be understood.” — Stephen R. Covey
When we understand our kids and ourselves, we can see and appreciate each other’s differences and see them as the gifts they are. When we work with our design, not against it, homeschooling gets lighter. And more joyful.
Try This Today:
Watch your kids.
Ask: What kind of motivation actually works for them?
Then make one small shift.
You’re the perfect mom for your kids.
And they are perfectly designed for their own missions.
