Do you ever find yourself in a transactional relationship with those you love most? Often when I have chosen to spread myself too thin, I find myself “seeing” my family members as “objects” rather than as humans. I act as if they are pawns in my world that should move according to MY “wise” plans. I “bark” orders and get frustrated when they don’t jump and obey. This may lead to short-term results which can be appealing at times. However, this is not the kind of relationship that I desire. I want to connect heart-to-heart with my children. I want to love my children unconditionally with no strings attached. I want them to feel seen and heard. The results that come from this way of being are long-lasting and transformational.
Wally Goddard, one of my favorite parenting experts, said in his book, Bringing Up Our Children in Light and Truth, “We don’t have the right to connect with anyone we don’t love. Only heartfelt love gives us the right to be in a person’s life and the right to influence him or her.” Only true love is transformational and has a long-lasting impact. When we truly love someone, we are not thinking about ourselves. We are thinking about another and considering their experience and what is going in in their lives.
Louisa May Alcott said, “Fathers and mothers are too absorbed in business and housekeeping to study their children and cherish that sweet and natural confidence which is a child’s surest safeguard, and a parent’s subtlest power. So the young hearts hide trouble or temptation till the harm is done, and mutual regret comes too late. Happy the boys and girls who tell all things freely to father or mother, sure of pity, help, and pardon; and thrice happy the parents who, out of their own experience, and by their own virtues, can teach and uplift the souls for which they are responsible.” Can any of you relate to helping your children out of a sense of duty and getting your checklist done for the day? I have a tendency to be task-oriented and want to just tick off the things that need to be done instead of valuing the relationships in my family and intentionally connecting, but if we don’t take the time to truly care and truly love, our children will grow separate from us.
You can’t teach and mentor someone until they know how much you love them. Love prompts us to prepare and teach differently, and it invites our children and mentees to trust and open up to us in a way they otherwise would not. When a parent’s motive is to cover the lesson material, the parent focuses on the content rather than on the needs of the child. When love is the motive, we can be inspired as to WHAT we as mentors need to say and HOW we should say it. For our children to have a transformational experience, we must connect heart to heart and come from a place of LOVE.
This quote from Maya Angelou states this concept so well. “In order to be a mentor, and an effective one, one must care. You must care. You don’t have to know how many square miles are in Idaho, you don’t need to know what is the chemical makeup of chemistry, or of blood or water. Know what you know and care about the person, care about what you know and care about the person you’re sharing with.” To have a true impact, first and foremost our children and mentees need to know we love them!
In this same book mentioned above, Wally Goddard said, “Before we make big parenting decisions or before dealing with big parenting challenges, we need to get our minds and hearts right. (Actually, before we make even small parenting decisions, we need to get our minds and hearts right.) So we start not by focusing on the child and the problem, but by focusing on God…If you have never felt that love, the first order of business is to discover it. I encourage you to find something that lifts your spirits. Maybe it is a piece of beautiful music, a scriptural passage, …an inspiring book, or a great story. Let yourself be engulfed by that message. As our spirits soar, the veil is thin. It is then that we are most likely to feel God wrap us in His arms. Nothing is as powerful or as life-changing as feeling His love…So, before undertaking any problem-solving venture, fill yourself with that love. Let any troubles be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ”. If you cannot get to such a place of joy right now, put off the problem-solving self-dialogue until you can. Do not try to solve eternal problems with puny mortal tools. Wait. Wait until you feel God’s love burning in your heart.” If our souls are judgmental and angry, then our thoughts are cynical and negative. We see the negative. If our hearts are in the right place and we are filled with love, we see through that lens and see goodness, virtues, and strengths. We can connect and have a meaningful impact.
One day I wasn’t feeling well. I saw almost everything that happened that day through the lens of “The world is out to get me.” I was critical of my children and grumpy. Can any of you relate to this? Compare this to another day when I was feeling loved, at peace, and connected to God. My children acted in similar ways, but IT DIDN’T EVEN PHASE ME. I didn’t notice ANY of it. I was secure and full of love, so my perspective and response to the environment around me were completely different.
How do we keep ourselves in this place, where we are regularly seeing through a loving lens? Often we think of triggers as negative and something we don’t have control over, but we can also practice using triggers to act and behave in a pre-planned way, and I can bear witness to this powerful practice. I want you to picture a time when you were full of joy and love. What did that look like? What did it feel like? Practice going to this loving, happy, peaceful place for a few minutes EVERY DAY. Now, when you are in a place where you are frustrated, you can call up those feelings and have immediate access to that wellspring of strength. You can also do this specifically for children you may struggle with. Picture a time when you felt love for them—when you had a vision of who they really are. At times when you feel frustrated, pull up this feeling or image in your mind, and let it soften and change your heart.
I’ve had personal experience with the power that comes through this practice. I believe love is a choice and sometimes we have to practice this choice over and over and draw upon a higher power to access that love (as Wally Goddard explains above) because as mortals we are unable to pull it out of thin air. But I want to attest to the fact that this practice works and the more we “practice” love and loving thoughts, the more we can feel them and act on them.
Paulo Coelho said, “Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. To love somebody isn’t just a strong feeling. It is a decision, a judgment, and a promise.” Life’s challenges often dissipate smoothly when our children feel loved. Instead of blaming or accusing, advocate for your children. Love holds immense sway; ensuring your children feel loved is a significant victory. Communicate the message, “I’m here for you. You’re not alone. You can succeed.” True transformation comes as we continually seek this heart-to-heart connection.
