A victim. That is what I felt like. Hadn’t I made all the “right” choices to ensure this wouldn’t happen to MY family? I chose to marry an honorable return missionary in the temple—who over the 18 years of our marriage faithfully sought the Lord’s direction and taught me many things about finding answers to prayer and the power of the atonement. He was a full-time seminary teacher for many years. He served faithfully in his church callings…
To say my husband’s decision to leave the church was shocking was an understatement. This had never crossed my mind as something within the realm of possibilities—until it happened. I struggled with heavy emotions for a long time. Betrayal. That my husband was breaking the “deal” we had. Fear. That our marriage would fall apart because our entire foundation was wrapped up in the gospel. Fear that he would become a different person and no longer have the same morals. Fear that his example would lead our children down the same path. Grief. At the loss of my dreams and ideals for myself and my family.
A victim with no influence. This thought is what led me to be stuck for a long time. Satan wanted me to believe this to ensure I felt my life was a waste. I am a homeschool mom whose greatest desire was and is to bring my children to Christ, to teach every subject and aspect of life through a gospel lens. To give my children the kind of foundation they would need to face this world with certainty. But now within the walls of my own home, my plan and my life’s mission and goals, felt like they were being undermined and ripped out from beneath me. And there was absolutely NOTHING I could do about it.
I sobbed and cried and wallowed in my misery—hoping if I threw a big enough fit life would all go back to normal. Over time I came to realize I didn’t want to live this way. I wanted to be happy again. Only I could choose not to see myself as a victim anymore. I believed the answer was in the gospel, but I just didn’t know how to “make” it happen. Interestingly, the answer came when I quit trying to “make” it happen and surrendered MY plan for HIS. My faith in Jesus Christ and His ability to heal me was being tested at an all-new level.
Previously I had struggled through years of diagnosed depression and autoimmune disorders. My pregnancies to bring our four children into the world were battles of physical and emotional endurance. None of these difficulties topped the agony and loss I felt from my husband leaving the Church of Jesus Christ. In order to be happy again, I learned to surrender. Surrender my plan—for His.
I wanted our family to stay together. I couldn’t sort out the logistics of how this would even look, but I hoped, and I prayed, and Heavenly Father would give me small glimpses of what He knew and could see perfectly. As I held onto the vision of keeping our marriage and family intact, little by little the way has been made known.
Neal A. Maxwell said, “You and I cannot really expect to glide through life…naively petitioning, ‘Lord, give me experience but not grief, a deeper appreciation of happiness but not deeper sorrow, joy in comfort but not in pain, more capacity to overcome but not more opposition; and please do not let me ever feel perplexed while on thy errand. Then let me come quickly and dwell with thee and fully share thy joy.’” (April 1991 General Conference)
There are so many life lessons that can only be learned THROUGH pain. Once I learned to embrace and accept the pain rather than trying to make it go away, I was able to become stronger not despite the pain, but BECAUSE of it. The greater our sorrow is, the greater our capacity is to feel joy. It has been several years now since this first happened, and I have been able to find deep joy again—richer joy that has exceeded anything I have previously experienced because of the darkness I’ve experienced. My testimony of the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the perfect plan of our Heavenly Father has grown exponentially. I am stronger because I am more firmly yoked with Him. Some of my greatest fears such as my children also leaving the church have happened, but miraculously IT IS OKAY.
It is okay because I have gained a deeper understanding and hint of the eternities. I have felt God whisper to my struggling soul that HE HAS THIS. It is not over. I WILL have my family in the eternities. I’ve been reminded it is MY job to show up, choose love, and continually seek after Him, and it is HIS job to save.
This peace didn’t come overnight, and this peace is fleeting if I am not continually choosing to LET GO and seek HIS perspective in my life. Some lessons cannot be learned in ANY OTHER WAY. Lessons for me. Lessons for my husband. Lessons for my children. I have come closer to my Savior and learned to TRUST His promises more than anything.
I have learned new ways to bond with my husband. Learning to love despite our differences—especially in the intimacy of a marriage relationship has stretched and grown my capacity for love and for seeing with new eyes. A deeper, richer love can be found when you choose to love not just when it is easy, but especially when it’s hard. My husband and some of my children may never choose to believe again in this life, but I’ve come to realize how big God’s plan is and how far it reaches.
My husband is a man full of integrity and goodness. In fact, through this process, he has become an even kinder man. He has become more humble and more sensitive. I don’t know HOW it will all work out, but I trust IT WILL. I choose to believe in a God of miracles—in a God who gives His children every possible opportunity to choose Him and His plan. I choose to have faith and hope because I don’t want to live in a state of victimhood EVER AGAIN.
I trust God loves me perfectly, and I will not be disappointed in the eternal outcome of my family. I choose to focus on THOSE outcomes. For now, I choose SURRENDER. To accept what IS. I surrender MY life’s plan for one with more variation. I trust the Master’s ability to “…make beauty from ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness…” Isaiah 61:3
I’ve experienced His power firsthand—His soothing balm of Gilead. I choose Him. I trust in His eternal outcomes. He has my family. And He has me.
